Originally published by Women’s Health
Laurie Mintz, PhD, is a sex therapist and author ofBecoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters—and How to Get It.
I’ve been very orgasmic my whole life. I know exactly what to do, how to get there—alone and with a partner. In fact,orgasmsare kind of my specialty. I’ve spent my career helping thousands ofwomen who have never orgasmedor havedifficulty orgasming with a partner. I never expected I’d lose mine—or that the experience would actually make my sex life better.
My husband and I have been married for 40 years, and sex has always been a pretty easy part of our relationship. The only time I ever experienced any difficulty with desire or arousal was right after I became a mom 35 years ago. That’s the reason I got intosex therapy, and ever since, my husband and I have followed the same advice I’ve given countless clients: We prioritize sex. Weschedule it. We focus on pleasure and connection, not just orgasm.
Usually, that works for us. But one day, we were getting intimate, and I couldn’t climax. It wasn’t like I wasn’t aroused or the sexual experience wasn’t pleasurable—it was. But then I hit a kind of plateau, and everything I was feeling… fell flat. I knew that no matter what we did, there was no way I was going to orgasm.
But I didn’t know why. I wasn’t distracted during sex. I wasn’t mad at my husband. I wasn’t dealing with a hormonal imbalance (I’d been doing HRT for nearly 10 years and had a solid regimen). It should have been easy for me to orgasm, but I just couldn’t.
I thought it might be a fluke, so a few days later, I triedpleasuring myself with a vibrator. Again, no orgasm.
As a sex therapist, I’ve trained other healthcare providers on how to treat difficulty with orgasm and desire, so I was well aware of all the possible causes, including medication—specifically,selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). That’s when it dawned on me: I’d recently started taking an SSRI for my long-term anxiety, and my sudden difficulty reaching orgasm was a side effect. (SSRIs can also come with other common sexual side effects, such asdecreased libidoand reduced arousal, and up to 73 percent of users may experience symptoms.)
Even though I’d started taking the SSRI for my mental health, I knew that losing my orgasm wasn’t psychological. Many of the women I’ve worked with over the years have experienced orgasm difficulty due to psychological reasons (stress, exhaustion, relationship issues), but I could tell something else was going on. It was the difference between knowing you have a stomachache because you’re anxious and because you ate something that’s giving you pain. This wasn’t in my head; this was in my body.
Every time I tried to orgasm, it felt like I hit a biological wall. My body knew what to do, but it just couldn’t get there.
I worried that I would have to choose between always feeling anxious or never orgasming again. I didn’t want to settle for one or the other. Because sex is such an important part of both my personal and professional life, I couldn’t imagine a future where I didn’t enjoy it to the fullest. So, I started looking for a solution.
A few months before I lost my orgasm, I’d attended a presentation on treating orgasm issues with off-label medications (because there are no FDA-approved ones). I took out my notes and was reminded of a product called Scream Cream. The cream is compounded sildenafil (the active ingredient in Viagra) and other vasodilators, which work by bringing blood flow tothe clitoris. That seemed like the least invasive option, so I thought it was worth trying.
Of course, I’m not a doctor, but I am lucky enough to be connected to the sexual medicine community. So, I called my menopause-certified practitioner and gynecologist—who also just happens to be my best friend—Dr. Suzette Johnson, MD. After talking about my issue and treatment options, she prescribed me Scream Cream.
The first time I tried it, I put it on my clitoris and waited 15 minutes. Almost immediately, I started to feel aroused as the blood flowed to my clitoris. Then, my husband and I had sex, and I had the most amazing orgasm. It was better than it had been in years. I felt like I was 20 again.
Now, I’m not saying this cream is a cure-all. There are some women it won’t work for, but it worked for me. And, a few months after my experience, Suzette went through the same thing, and it worked for her, too.
We were fortunate to have the information about all our sexual health options and the ability to access them easily, but most women don’t. Instead, they’re told to switch medications or live with the side effects. They don’t know there’s another option—usually because their healthcare providers don’t know either. I couldn’t believe that I’d been a sex therapist for decades and only learned about Scream Cream a few months before I needed to use it myself. Suzette told me she’d been prescribing the cream for 30 years, but when she asked her gynecology colleagues about it, none of them had ever heard of it.
Once we realized women were being denied access to a potential solution simply due to a lack of education, we decided to do something about it. As Suzette and I started throwing around ideas, she said, “You know, I didn’t just use the cream. I used everything I’ve learned from you.”
Because here’s the thing: Even when you lose your orgasm due to a biological reason, there’s still a psychological impact. You can get so in your head, always wondering, “Is it going to happen?” Then, if it doesn’t, you feel like a failure.
As a sex therapist, I know not to put all the emphasis on orgasm. But losing mine still felt like losing a part of myself. What helped, besides the cream, was using mindfulness to immerse myself in sensation. This allowed me to get out of my own head and back into my body—what it was andwasn’tfeeling in intimate moments. The other thing that helped was talking about the issue with my husband. We really communicated about what was going on and how it wasn’t a negative reflection on our relationship. That created a new kind ofemotional intimacybetween us.
But I know not every woman knows how to practice mindfulness when it comes to sex or is comfortable talking to her partner about sex not being satisfying.So, even though Suzette and I knew this was a biological issue, we didn’t want to offer just a biological solution.
Using our combined experience in sexual health, we created afive-part courseto help women who’ve lost their orgasm, whether due to SSRIs, menopause, and/or stress. It provides other sex therapy strategies that we know work, such as mindfulness, communication, sex-positive thinking, as well as a clinical consultation for Scream Cream, and the option to bundle it all withvibrators and lube (two products that have been shown, time and again, to help women orgasm).The goal isn’t just to reclaim your climax, but to better understand it.
Today, I still use the cream every time I have a sexual encounter with myself or my husband, and my sex life is as good as it’s ever been. Honestly, it might be even better because I’m no longer anxious, and I’m orgasmic again. I didn’t have to pick.
That’s what I want other women to know: You don’t have to choose between your mental health and physical pleasure. If you lose your orgasm, know that a path exists to help you find it again.
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